Tomorrow is the big day.. Knee Surgery #3 for a guy who has now said twice he never wants to go through this again. I have now been laid up for a week exactly. I decided before I go under the knife tomorrow and sleep 95% of the day away I would write a post about the Top 10 things to expect from knee surgery. I’ve found over the last few surgeries that humor helps pass the time, and instead of feeling down and negative about everything it is good to try and find the humor. Well.. Here they are.. My Top 10 Things to Expect.. When you’re expecting… Knee Surgery.

Just ask Lindsay Vonn about what to expect with Knee Surgery.

#10
I’m putting this one #10 because it’s more than likely the first thing you’re going to have to do when you get out of surgery. GETTING UP. That’s right the first time (and every time) you get up you’re going to look like that wimpy doe in that Disney movie. Bambi. You’re entire body is going to shake and buckle like your 100 years old. The key is ensure there is always good and sturdy objects around you to help you up, once up you will need to just chill for a minute and get your shit straight, and then you should be good to go. The good news? At least I didn’t have any stupid animals running around my feet while I tried to get up.

#9
STEPS Yes the dreaded Mt. Kilimanjaro of your home. At the summit of every steps you go to tackle you will think “Is this the time?” meaning is this the time you will fall? The best advice here is to attack it as if you were actually going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro have a knapsack to keep anything you need to carry with you in on your journey, climb a few (rest) climb a few more (rest) and be very careful once you get to the top when you celebrate it’s a long ways down especially backwards.

Kili-Man is right!

#8
Imagine this… You’re alone. Starving. You bambi style your way off your couch, you hobble over to the fridge (hopefully you can avoid Mt. Kilimanjaro) you reach in and grab yourself something to eat when… YOU DROP IT ON THE FLOOR My #8 you may think thats no big deal but think about not being able to bend over to pick something up. Imagine having a leg the size of two legs and not be able to bend it. You’ll end up having to pull a Kristi Yamaguchi move to pick it up… Good luck.

#7
One of the hardest chores you will have with your recovery will be PUTTING ON PANTS Yes, something as easy as putting on pants becomes a hard task. You have the complexity of actually putting them on (can only stand on one leg) getting up after putting them on, and then you have figuring out how to get your brace on after you’ve put on your pants. My suggestion? Invest in several weeks worth of basketball shorts. 🙂

I put my pants on just like you.. One leg at a time. Except once my pants are on I make gold records.

#6
Something that I never realized how impossible it could be is PUTTING ON SOCKS it’s literally one of the hardest things to do, and its damn frustrating because it should be so easy. Hopefully you live in a warm climate during your surgery so you can go the flip flop route, but if not, gooooood luck. Test my theory.. Sit on the edge of your bed, dont bend your leg, and try and put your socks on. Make sure the following video is playing while you do it.

#5
Prepare yourself for ultimate BOREDOM you can only survive so long. Mt first surgery I thought was going to be awesome. No work just sit at home and watch TV, play video games, and I even thought I could read some books. The only time you’ll leave the house is to go to physical therapy. You’ll probably hallucinate and think of all the things you want to go do, but you can’t because YOU CAN’T DRIVE. You’re at the mercy of others and the limited ROM you have.. You can only watch so many hours of TV before you are stir crazy. HBO Go, Netflix, On Demand are some great ways to attempt to pass the time.

boredom – your worst enemy!

#4
Taking a SHOWER is towards the top of my list because it’s one of the scariest things you’ll have to do. Imagine a soapy, slippery, and wet area thats just waiting to claim you as a victim. MY first set of advice would be to ensure that the water is turned on BEFORE you get in. Otherwise you will be forced to suffer through the worst 30 seconds of your life EVER when the water is about 15 degrees. My next set of advice is to ensure you have somewhere to SIT DOWN. You won’t be able to stand so I highly suggest one of those shower seats your grand parents had in their bathroom that you made fun of your entire childhood. Be as careful as possible or else you’ll look like your on an ice skating rink and find yourself back in the O.R.

Splish, Splash, don’t fall on your A$$

#3
PISSING It goes from such a great feeling to such a weird situation. You will hop your way in front of the toilet with all your weight on one leg while the other leg hangs in the balance. Without going into much more detail as I was hoping to keep this at least a PG-13 rated blog. You will have to find a unique balance of actual balance and aim.

Notice this “thing” has one leg and pee’s out of his arms.. He may understand what it’s like to pee after knee surgery.

#2
While we are on the topic of exiting “waste” from our bodies that leads us right into my #2 which just so happens to be about #2.. POOPING I don’t know if you’ve ever had to pull off a straight leg poop, but its near impossible. Not to mention a side effect of the pain meds they will be giving you is our good old friend constipation. As you sit all weird like with one straight leg and then strain to get out the little deer turds you’ll have from all the constipation makes for one hell of a time. I’m sure if it wasn’t completely weird to watch many people would get a kick out of seeing it. I highly suggest “PLANNING YOUR POOPS” which means prep yourself and investigate your pooping area. You’ll need an “Oh Shit Bar” to use to prop yourself up and down (be careful of towel racks and toilet paper holders as they can easily break off the wall) and make sure there is plenty of room in front of the toilet for your straight leg. LOL

It took me about an hour to go from #2 to #1 because googling “pooping” had me cracking up..

#1
Drumroll.. The #1 thing to expect is how horrible SLEEPING will be. First of all initially your leg will be throbbing, you’ll have it propped up, and you can only sleep on your back. I’m some one who tosses and turns all night changing the way I sleep, and I almost NEVER sleep on my back so It’s literally the worst. I love sleeping in my “normal” life so during “cal surgery” life it’s the worst. Take your pain meds and just tell yourself its only for a couple weeks. Outside of that.. Youre screwed on a restful nights sleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.. I just want to Sleeeeeeep.

Well there it is.. My Top 10 things to expect.. when you’re expecting.. Knee Surgery. Remember one of the best ways to keep your sanity during your knee surgery recovery time is to try to find the humor in all your situations. If you’re laughing it will keep your mind off how crummy the situation may be.

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Comments
  1. Julz says:

    This is hilarious, 1 week out of surgery & this was the best thing I could have read.

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